Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Two Steps Forward....

The last month or so has been so lovely around here. Things have been going so well with Blink. Peaceful, even. I found myself relaxing, letting down my guard, truly enjoying life with Blink.

And now, it seems we're sliding backwards into more disequilibrium. More panicked screaming and getting stuck. More angry yelling. More aggression.  More gritting my teeth and trying to get through the day. Many more negative reports from school.

I always find myself trying to analyze the factors responsible for an upswing or a downward cycle. The answers almost always are illusory. This time, however, I think it's clear that a bully/conflict situation has stressed him out incredibly and though the school has taken some steps to stop the situation the effects are going to reverberate for a while.  (As an aside:  can I tell you how angry I am that this had to happen just when he was doing far better than I can ever recall?  Aaauugh.)

As always, I find myself, well, emotionally blindsided by this downturn. It's not like I consciously think we have moved past a challenge like the public meltdown, but on an emotional level....I do.  This weekend, we went snow shoeing and halfway through, Blink got stuck on the idea of cross-country skiing. Right. That. Second.  Which so wasn't going to happen.  I thought maybe he could pull himself out of it, but no....so that was that.

Some time later, everyone safely in the car, our excursion cut short, I couldn't contain the tears spilling down my cheeks. I was so disappointed. Later, I told my partner, "I thought we were past that." And as I said it, I smiled because it obviously isn't a realistic expectation.

Challenging moments like this bring out a primitive narrative that plays in my subconscious. Underneath all of the thinking and the planning and the hoping and the worrying, there's just a mama who is heartbroken that her son's life is so hard and would do anything to change that.  And her anguish bubbles up in times like this.

"The long and winding road" by the Beatles keeps playing in my head. I need to remember that the path of growth isn't straight. That's ok. (Well, it doesn't always feel ok, but I can work on finding ways to roll with it.)

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